Data jokes
9November 23, 2021 by Kenneth Fisher
I’m feeling a bit uninspired this week, and I plan on only doing one post this week, so I figured I’d just post some dad database jokes. If you’ve got any please add them in the comments, I’d love to see them.
- I saw a great movie about databases today.
I can’t wait for the SQL. (I didn’t say they would be good jokes) - A couple of relational databases walked into a NoSQL bar.
They left because they couldn’t find a table! - Why did the DBA leave her wife?
She found out it was a one-to-many relationship. - A guy was keeping a spreadsheet of her exes. One of them had gone to jail and so ended up celebrate against his will.
They were stored in an incel-in-cell ex-excel cell. - I’ve got a database of Hip hop music. It’s a CarDB.
- A database professional walks into a bar and joins two tables.
- Why are sailors terrible DBAs.
They try to make all of the data float. - What did the DBA say after recovering a corrupted database?
Keep calm and query on. - A guy started a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables. It’s called Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia.
- Why was the DBA on the space station so frustrated?
They kept dropping tables but they wouldn’t go anywhere! - If you decide to store all these jokes they should really go in a dad-a-base.
SQL Studies 
noice. A few of my favorite aphorisms (not necessarily jokes):
My Big Data is unreliable, but the insights I gain from it are fascinating.
The first mistake a DBA makes is in becoming one
A database is a rational logical universe. The DBA, however, may still believe in the tooth fairy.
And here is a little ditty I wrote for ETL developers…think Boy George…
Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma, Sea Are EL Eff
You end each line, you end each line
ETL would be easy if you had no embedded quotes
Escape them please, escape them please
Why couldn’t the DBA have any children?
He was still on SQL 2000, and couldn’t even recurse about the fact that his data had children, but he couldn’t navigate the parent-child relationship!
Ha!
Everyone’s heard this one:
A query walks into a bar, sees two tables, and asks, “May I join you?”
(I came up with a good response)
The tables reply, “As long as you don’t have one-to-many and become a cursor!”
Here’s another one:
Q: My DBA friend Rick was wading in a stream and saw an egg in the water, which he promptly cooked and ate. What kind of egg was it?
A: It was a stream egg Rick ate.
A slightly different answer could be: “Sorry, … we’re not your data type!”
Remember that if you’re using NoSQL, you’ve dropped ACID.
GetDate() ….but ….Make sure to check the character – shoudnt be that – Maximum number of users is exceeded. 😃
Fixed, thanks.